Stories of our Times: Toilet Paper Tales Part 1

By Didi Gorman

**Author’s note: Though not entirely imaginary, the tale you’re about to read is still mostly a work of fiction, aimed to bring a smile to all of you out there. Stay safe.**

From where I was standing in the grocery store I could spot one last toilet paper pack on the very top shelf in the cleaning supplies aisle. I’m in luck, I thought to myself as I maneuvered my cart towards the coveted merchandise.

No, hang on. That’s not how it was. Let me rephrase it: “I’m in luck, I thought to myself as I SKEDADDLED with my cart towards the coveted merchandise.”

Yes. That’s more like it.

But then, there was the issue of my height. At five foot two not much could be done without resorting to extreme measures. No amount of strained tippy toes, stretched arms, and dislocated shoulders would suffice. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Without losing eye contact with my target, I charged sideways, to the other side of the cleaning supplies aisle and hurriedly seized a broomstick (with mop strings screwed onto it) off the hanger. I then leapfrogged in the air, momentarily airborne, jousting the broomstick at the much-desired tissue treasure, the mop shaking its head as if in disapproval. I may have looked like a medieval knight, engaged in a chivalric fencing battle against a fierce opponent. My valiant moves bore fruit though, resulting in the pack now being suspended at the top of the broomstick, like a lollipop.

Mission accomplished! Our forces reigned victorious! I congratulated myself as I took possession of the loot, a tad queasy and huffing from all the banging and jumping.

There was a great deal of social distancing from me thereafter, as I marched with my plunder towards checkout. But what would have happened if another customer had craved that one and only artifact? For that, you will need to read part 2 of our story, because that’s exactly what happened in my following visit to the grocery store, a few days later.

Stay tuned!