Can I borrow your spatula?

By Didi Gorman

I’m having a bit of a situation here. My omelet is stuck to the bottom of the frying pan and won’t come out even when I prod it with a spatula. I try a little harder, then harder still, but to no avail.

After several minutes of futile attempts, I’m beginning to lose patience. What does one need to do to release an omelet from a pan? Come on omelet, you can do it, come out of the pan, do it for momma!

No. It’s not working.

Fine, then! I’ve been too gentle so far. Time to use force. I clasp the spatula mid-handle and pummel the insolent omelet from above, clobbering it again and again, until I’m almost out of breath. Suddenly, the spatula flies out of my hand, hits the wall, falls to the ground, and splits in half. I stare in disbelief. The omelet is still intact.

What do I do now? This was my only spatula. Where do I find another one now?

I consider popping to the store once I stop panting, but then I remember: Spatulas are considered ‘non-essential’ and are out of bounds until further notice. (Who made that rule, by the way? And why, in heaven’s name, did they decide that spatulas were non-essential? I secretly will their omelets to stick to their frying pans. That will teach them!)

Forget about going to the store.

Luckily, I have a plan B.

Plan B is a crowbar. A crowbar would pry the omelet free, wouldn’t it?

Oh, wait. I don’t really have a crowbar, nor can I purchase one, because the same authority who banned spatulas also banned crowbars. Forget plan B.

On to Plan C.

Plan C involves YOU. Yes, you. Do you have a spatula?

You do? How delightful! Count yourself among the privileged. You are in possession of a scarce and precious resource.

In that case, I’ve prepared a little speech, especially for you: Dear spatula owner, I’m appealing to your sense of civic duty today. Hog not your spatula! Call not dibs on it! Find it in your heart to rise to the occasion and sacrifice your spatula for the greater common good. Relinquish your spatula for the benefit of a downtrodden fellow citizen, such as the author of this humble soliloquy, for whom, flipping a fried egg at breakfast is a mere dream. I implore thee! I beseech thee! Come forward and bestow thy spatula on me!

Why are you shaking your head like that? Aren’t you moved by my supplication?

Ah, okay, I’ll change tack.

Look, I’ll offer you a deal. We’ll go into a partnership, you and I. You’ll rent out your spatula to me, and I’ll act as a brokerage between you and the many folks out there who, thanks to the ban on non-essentials, are stuck with omelets that won’t come out of the frying pan. You have to admit, there’s a fantastic business opportunity here. An entire demographic is in dire need of your spatula, and you have the solution to their problem! Isn’t the principle of supply-and-demand a thing of beauty? And isn’t the ban on non-essentials, which created this demand in the first place, simply brilliant?

The spatula black-market has never been riper than at this very moment. Let’s seize this opportunity and make a killing! Imagine the moolah! The power! The Fame! And all this thanks to your spatula.

Is this a deal?

Yes? Great! Thanks to your spatula, operation Unstick Our Omelets is underway.

Also thanks to your spatula, the two slogans ‘We’re All In This Together’ and ‘Everything Will Be All Right’, can finally become a reality.

There’s a great reason for celebration today and I propose a toast for the true hero who saved the day.

Here’s to essential kitchenware!

Long live your spatula!